Mary Bernard

This summer is proving to be one of shattered expectations. Now that I think about it, though, when does my life ever turn out as I had planned?

I can’t believe how busy I am. I am shuttling children hither and yon—and we really aren’t even THAT busy! Still, I’m in the van quite a bit: loading, unloading, packing, unpacking, and so on.

And that makes me tired.

I have created a master work of art in Susanna’s room, which I will show you as soon as I get about $100 to buy a new digital camera (our really nice one got rained on in the flood and now won’t work). Our washer of 12 (or so) years finally konked last week. The in-laws graciously offered to buy a new one. We accepted.

I continue with my study of the Enneagram. I’m pretty sure I’m a Type 3, which is the type that has the need to succeed. I’m learning quite a bit but have yet to be able to distill it all into words.

I find that: I think I have some things to say but don’t have the time or presence of mind to put it down intelligibly and sincerely (thus, this rambling post).

And who knew? I have planter pots on my porch. They’ve been planted now for one week, and they aren’t languishing! I’m kind of surprised since I fully embrace the fact that I’m not a gardener, yet I rejoice that I have 7 days of keeping these plants alive behind me. (And I’ll post some pictures when I get that camera.)

I’m headed to a social media/blogging conference in about two weeks. I’m so excited, but it’s kind of sneaking up on me. I guess that’s better than pining for it, huh? And I’m so thrilled to report that the authors behind the fabulous devotional book, My Grandmother Is … Praying for Me, are sponsoring my trip. In return, I’ll be doing some social media work for their book and their brand.

That’s a little bit of a catch-up for now.

I love Charles Spurgeon.

And when I get to heaven, I’m going to hang out with him. I am going to love talking to him about writing. He’s one of my favorite writers. (And, yes, I know I’ll be worshiping Jesus, but I’m hoping part of eternal bliss is allowing us to have relationships with other saints. So, permit me this idea that Charles [can I call him, Charlie?] and I will be BFFs for eternity, mkay? 😉 )

Anyhoo … as I’ve been thinking more along the lines of the wilderness experience, I remembered a devotion by Spurgeon in his Morning and Evening. I hung it on my bathroom mirror when I was struggling with infant twins, post-partum depression, and sleep deprivation. Some Most days—truly—these few words from Spurgeon’s pen were my only connection to the Gospel.

From Spurgeon’s Evening devotion for July 19 (public domain, bold emphasis mine): 

Evening, July 19

Matthew 12:20

You need one or two or … ten of these adorable business card holders from Megan Dunham at Half-Pint House.

One of the first times I read Megan’s work was over at the World magazine site. I then found her blog and started following her on Twitter.

I’m excited that I’ll get to meet Megan in a few short weeks at the Savvy Blogging Summit.

BUT.

She needs your help in raising money to pay for her trip. So go buy some of these adorable, handmade card holders from Megan.

And if you’re feeling extra-generous and want to throw some money my way, I still need some additional funds for my trip. I can’t sew. But I’d love to barter writing or blogging services in exchange for travel money. If you’d like to sponsor me for part of the trip, we can talk about publicity I can bring you (or your company) through this blog and through other online outlets.  Let’s talk.

The Savvy Blogging Summit is a small gathering of social media professionals. We are going to learn in an intimate setting from the best in the areas of technology, media, law, photography, design, and more.

I absolutely. can’t. wait.

I grew up on a farm. My parents still live there today, and my dad is still farming: mainly beef cattle and crops.

I am not afraid of spiders or ticks or worms. I credit my country upbringing with this strong constitution. I find it incredulous that my husband screams at chirping crickets and is quick to deliver the death blow, while I carefully shoo them out the back door. (It’s just a cricket. Why should he die? He didn’t do anything wrong.)

A creek runs behind my parents’ house. As kids, we’d play in the water. Most of the time, we’d remember our old shoes for wading; but sometimes we didn’t, and I can’t recall our ever stepping on broken glass or nails or anything. Occasionally, we’d go camping out on our farm. We’d fish in the creek and cook our catch. We’d sleep in a camper in the middle of nowhere. Dark and chilly. Without boundaries of time or space or safety or predictability.

And we loved it.

Sure it was just little more than a “backyard camp-out.” I mean, we weren’t being all Bear Grylls or Survivor Man or The Blair Witch Project or anything.

But it was just enough outdoorsy-ness that now, as an adult, I look at that and think, Um, yea. That doesn’t sound like so much fun.

Ewwww… wading in a creek where hundreds of cows have pooped? Catching and eating fish from that same creek? No electricity? No bathroom?  

No Internet? 

I got to thinking about this because I’ve been mulling over “wilderness experiences” lately. Think of the Israelites and their wilderness wanderings. So much can be gleaned from their years in the wilderness. In upcoming posts, I want to explore some of those ideas: their grumbling, God’s provision, and others.

Chris and I believe we are being led through a “wilderness experience” of sorts right now. I find it terribly difficult some days to take the next step through the density of the brush and the tangle of thorns that characterize my heart. Still, I know it’s necessary and important and good and will ultimately bring me through to the other side.

photo: xandert on morguefile.com

Now?

Now: I decided I didn’t like this day very much. Dinner was a Mike’s Hard Cranberry Lemonade and a slice of birthday cake.

And that’s about all I have to say about that.

As I continue with the NaBloPoMo theme of “Now” for the month of June, I thought I’d really get with the ballgame and participate in Saturday Stumbles with Mandi at It’s Come 2 This.

I actually sat beside Mandi on a shuttle bus for a Savvy Blogging Dinner excursion at this year’s Blissdom. She may not remember (it was oh, so brief and in the dark), but I enjoyed our little conversation. 

Anyhoo …

For Saturday Stumbles, I’ll be highlighting for you some of my favorite blog posts that I read this week. I’d encourage you to:

1. Check them out and leave them a comment.
2. Go to the Saturday Stumbles list and read some other good posts recommended by those bloggers.
3. Leave me a comment telling me what you think and/or what you found interesting this week on the web. 

It’s always fun to find new friends and new blogs!

Around the Block This Week

• My sweet friend and fellow blogger, Rebecca at Toothwhale, wrote this great post about preventing dirt in your home. I find it so simply profound; I just love it! Maybe it’s because I’m such a mediocre rotten housekeeper? Anyway, I love Rebecca’s simple tips for keeping the house tidy when dirty kids are roaming throughout.

• I love. love. love. this beautiful post from Jennifer at Surprising Joy. A transparent and honest seeker of God, she lays it all out. It inspires me and convicts me at the same time.

• What a great post about blog content from Social Media Examiner! This is a hugely practical and helpful article, full of great tips for creating GOOD blog posts consistently. I printed this one and stuck it in my “blogging” reference folder. 

• Rena from AllPersonality.com is a new The Writer’s Block reader. She left a comment on one of my posts and asked me to visit her site. It’s all about the Enneagram. I’ve just begun studying it, so of course, my interest is piqued! Her site is full of interesting insights about the Enneagram and the personality types. I could get lost reading there for hours. 😉 
  

Fear is a great motivator, eh?

I figure that fear, for me, drives the majority of my behavior. My greatest fear must, then, also determine my sin.

I’m not afraid of being alone, of being unloved, or of being exposed.

No. I’m afraid of not being in control.

I crave control. Control of my stuff, my possessions, my home. My life, my schedule, my bank account. My hair, my dinner menu, my laundry.

My day can be chaotic. My weight can climb higher and higher. But if the outcome (any outcome) is part of my doing—even if it’s ultimately sabotaging—it’s OK with me. I was DELIBERATE when I ate that Big Mac. I’ll eat it if I want and I’ll put on 5 pounds if I want, by golly.

Being in control trumps the dysfunction of the bad decision/bad result cycle for me. 

Why in the world is this so important for me? Why would I settle for control and dysfunction rather than freedom and health?

I don’t know. But I’m hoping to find out this summer. I’m studying the Enneagram with a group of Christian friends. We’re going through the book, The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective. (Disclosure: I am an Amazon affiliate and receive a small commission based on sales I refer.) I want to confront my sin head-on (I think! That’s scary!), and I’m hoping this study will bring me to that point.

Ultimately, I want to repent of it. Providentially, my friend Jennifer has posted about the role of repentance in her life. Her post—plus the inner work and reflection of the Enneagram exercises—brought me to ask the question today, “What is my greatest fear?”

Repentance and seeking God—not control—are my my heart’s cries right now.

photo: orchid at morguefile.com

I am an introvert.

People drain me. Suck the life out of me. Make me tired and crabby. Make my head hurt and my knees buckle.

Really, just leave me alone. And I’ll be fine.

So, then, is it any wonder that I’m BARELY FUNCTIONING after a week at home with the kids? My kids have to be the most extroverted, entertainment-seeking, fight-starting, snack-begging children on the planet.

And they got me for a mom.

So, when I’ve had enough and my pulse races at the sound of “MOOOOOOOOOOOM! MOOOOOOMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEE! MOOOOOOOOOM!” for the 8 billioneth time, I retreat. I retreat both physically (leave the room) and mentally (block it out; ignore it, which only makes it louder and longer; stupid strategy, I know).

And, here they come.

Today, I had one boy saying every 10 seconds, “I want PEETZA PERFECT for dinner. Mom! I want PEEEET-ZA! If I don’t have PEETZA, it’s going to be the worst day of my life!”

The other boy was finding random sticky notes throughout the house and bringing to shred them in the paper shredder.

“Mom! Can I put this piece in? PUH-LEEZE????!!!! Mom! This piece? What about this one?”

Honestly, I just got to a place of paralysis. I was so overwhelmed with the noise and constancy that I just zoned out.

Thankfully, I managed to keep it together enough to ensure everyone’s safety and sanity AND I got dinner on the table in a timely fashion.

But reflecting on this day, I just wonder why I do that? It’s as if I can only absorb so much, and like a sponge when it’s saturated, I just can’t take anymore. I’m a big, sloppy blob of yellow and of no use for my intended purpose until I can be wrung out.

Then the guilt sets in. I think, If only we’d been making crafts, taking a nature walk, or reciting all those Bible verses we haven’t memorized, then my kids would be properly stimulated and appropriately edified and would have no opportunity for dangerous antics with office machines.

I’m not really sure what to do with all of this.

A few weeks ago, I heard a speaker with a really profound message. He said that if one is searching for his or her “purpose” in life, one needs to look no further than the next task.

In other words, your purpose in life is your family, your job, your relationships. In the living of the basics, God ultimately reveals the bigger picture.

I loved this perspective. Mainly because I’m a “big picture” thinker and have often begged God for dramatic revelations and exciting happenings.

Somehow, in my mind, vacuuming, coupon-clipping, and folding laundry could never fit in with that romantic, idealized version of my “grand purpose” in life. But according this speaker, those things are my purpose. Why? Because that’s what God has me doing right NOW.

And, then, today, I was reading in a new book, Turn It Around, by Frank Santora. (Disclosure: I am working on the publicity team for Frank and his book and am being compensated for hours I work on his social media campaign. I also received a copy of the book for review and work-related purposes. Additionally, I am an Amazon affiliate and receive a small commission on purchases based on my referrals.) I love the way Frank writes about this very idea.

Frank outlines David’s calling to King. David was the most unlikely candidate for King: the youngest, the shepherd. Yet his greater purpose from God was to lead God’s people. But how would he get from point A to point B?

Through the ordinariness of everyday life.

David’s father sent him to take lunch to his brothers who were preparing for battle with the Philistines. David complied, but when he got there, he discovered the Philistines had proposed a man-to-man challenge: their Goliath against Israel’s “strongest man.” David learned that the winner of the battle would be given great spoils by the King and one of his daughters in marriage. Perhaps David saw that defeating this giant would be a great way to get closer to the throne.

Interestingly, David put on Saul’s armor but took it off, saying he wasn’t comfortable. Instead, David picked up his tools of his trade: smooth stones and a slingshot. Frank explains the practice it would have taken (hours and hours) to become a perfect shot with a slingshot. Frank writes David, most likely, passed time watching the sheep with slingshot practice until he acheived deadly accuracy and caused even the wild animals to fear him.

Frank writes:

How many times have I thought, The only things I’m good at are packing the dishwasher to capacity and getting tomato sauce stains out of shirts. How’s that going to help me? Or, I can write stuff. But who cares about writing? Who’s reading? What difference does it make? Or, what about, I’m just a mom (and not a great one at that). Really, how does it all matter? 

Well, we know how David’s story ends. He does slay the giant with those daily honed skills—insignificant, perhaps, in isolation but monumental in God’s economy! He does take the throne. He does become key in the lineage of Christ and is called a man after God’s own heart.

How will your story end? How will my story end?

Not quite sure yet. But I know what my story says NOW.

Now, I’m doing the tasks before me, honing and practicing the seemingly mundane, offering them to God for his glory and his greater purpose.

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If you are a frequent reader here (and if not, why not? Subscribe now!), you may recall that I blogged everyday in the month of November. It was a lot of fun, kind of hectic, sometimes anxiety-producing, but also an effective exercise at growing me as a writer and a blogger.

I’ve decided to do it again (that’s a post every day in June, people) this month with the folks at NaBloPoMo (that stands for National Blog Posting Month). This time’s there no prize except my own super-sense of satisfaction.

A big influence in my deciding to participate was the topic for this month. It is “Now.” I absolutely love this topic. It really dovetails nicely with all my latest efforts at intentional living. It also ties in with my yet-to-be-posted part 2 of my observations on the Lost series finale.

Now. I soooo need to be living in the now. Here’s to June 2010. This moment in time.