My Greatest Fear

Fear is a great motivator, eh?

I figure that fear, for me, drives the majority of my behavior. My greatest fear must, then, also determine my sin.

I’m not afraid of being alone, of being unloved, or of being exposed.

No. I’m afraid of not being in control.

I crave control. Control of my stuff, my possessions, my home. My life, my schedule, my bank account. My hair, my dinner menu, my laundry.

My day can be chaotic. My weight can climb higher and higher. But if the outcome (any outcome) is part of my doing—even if it’s ultimately sabotaging—it’s OK with me. I was DELIBERATE when I ate that Big Mac. I’ll eat it if I want and I’ll put on 5 pounds if I want, by golly.

Being in control trumps the dysfunction of the bad decision/bad result cycle for me. 

Why in the world is this so important for me? Why would I settle for control and dysfunction rather than freedom and health?

I don’t know. But I’m hoping to find out this summer. I’m studying the Enneagram with a group of Christian friends. We’re going through the book, The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective. (Disclosure: I am an Amazon affiliate and receive a small commission based on sales I refer.) I want to confront my sin head-on (I think! That’s scary!), and I’m hoping this study will bring me to that point.

Ultimately, I want to repent of it. Providentially, my friend Jennifer has posted about the role of repentance in her life. Her post—plus the inner work and reflection of the Enneagram exercises—brought me to ask the question today, “What is my greatest fear?”

Repentance and seeking God—not control—are my my heart’s cries right now.

What is your greatest fear? How do you cope with it? 

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photo: orchid at