What I’d Do to be Left Alone

Water-boarding? Schmorter-boarding!

We can put an end to all sorts of alleged inhumane and unusual interrogation tactics for criminals, terrorists, and spies.

Just turn my kids loose on ’em.

After being subjected to the umpteenth millionth request for something to drink, the accused would enthusiastically spill his or her guts just to enjoy a reprieve from incessant demands.

A few other sure-fire scenarios to break the most hardened of criminals:

  • Give the accused a comfy chair, a Snuggie, and a cold drink in front of a flat screen TV playing his or her favorite show. Allow the person to get comfortable and engrossed in the show. Admit a couple of hungry, thirsty, and irritable toddlers.
  • Take the accused to a restaurant with at least three kids under age eight. At intervals of every 15-20 minutes, have kids rotate requests to go to the potty.
  • One toy. Three kids. Watch the sparks fly as the accused tries to referee the fights.
  • Put the accused in the room with a small group of first graders. Tell the kids that Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s, Easter, the Fourth of July, Halloween, and Thanksgiving are coming “soon.” Have the kids ask repeatedly how many days until their favorite holiday.

I’m telling you, if the government officials would just turn interrogation over to parents, we’d have confessions galore.

Sometimes I’m surprised at my own lack of resolve with my kids. I mean, try as I may, I break many of the cardinal rules of parenting. I buckle to their most outrageous demands. I crumble like a stale chocolate chip cookie when I just want to be left alone. When I’m particularly tired, cranky, and/or PMS’ing, I just want distance.

“Can I have fifteen pieces of candy?”


“Can I run around in my underwear?”


“Can I play in traffic?”

Let me open the door for you.


In summary, my new favorite commercial is this (and I don’t watch this show, but I love this promo):